prokayote

Choices:
A: Enjoy not having an extra class (but this makes me feel more responsible for using that time wisely)
B: Try to use it as opp. to learn something new or something interesting
-Geology
-Park and Facility Design
-History of Environment and Economy in US
-Environmental Chem. Analysis
-Film in American Culture
-Environmental Sustainability (Fiscus ahhhh)
C: Just take the damn Tech Writing class (there's an online section)

I write about my job a lot because no one else wants to hear me talk about my boring, esoteric job that I actually like!

Well, here's the "plan" for today:

Chemistry homework
-Organize notebook first
-Old lab report
-New lab report
-Extra credit
-Get ahead on prelabs if I can
Time = 5 hours+ (staggered)

Pick up Sis from work - 40 min

Drop off recyclables

Watch Tivo'd shows, Play DDR


Tomorrow we may go see the new Pixar movie. Idk.

I've been thinking a lot about where I'll end up after college. I must confess that I've probably been too worried about this. At least I'm thinking about it, though. I like my job at the lab. I obviously wouldn't want to work there for the rest of my adult life (and couldn't), but for now I think it's good for me to work there. The people are very nice, my boss is thoughtful and looks out for us, I get paid well and if I feel I'd understand it I can always talk to people about the science behind what they're doing. I feel like I'm connected to what I want to do eventually, if only losely. I'm not like Amy who is a history major and doesn't work there now. Anyway, I feel bad when I see that people like Emma Roach are getting internships at high up places or participating in research or doing other cool things. I hope that when I go back to Frostburg I can get a job that is related to science. I REALLY hope that the Appalachian Lab has room for me there. I know, I'm not very far along in the sciences, but I could just wash glassware like I do here. Maybe someone in the bio/chem/geog dept will need help with something. W/e. That's not for at least another month. Then I think about what I'll do after I graduate. I hope I don't end up like Megan, although I would certainly take an hourly job at CBL while I'm waiting to hear back from other people about a job. I don't know what I can try for as far as jobs go. I'm sure I'd be way more qualified for a wildlife (plant or bird) job than a marine bio job. I worry about not getting hired anywhere, but I don't want to think about that. I can always join the Peace Corps! I don't know about grad school either. It's not like I HAVE to do that, but it might be helpful if I want to go in a direction I can't go with just a 4 year degree. I feel like there are so many things to do for the environment and I don't know what to go for.

What about my apartment? I don't know how I want to decorate it. Should I make it like margarativille/island life/tiki bar-esque? Should I just keep it simple and clean and add my own little touches to it? I want it to be fun, but not showing off for other people. I know it needs work, but I hope to make it look better than decent. What about the bathroom? I already have a "jungle" shower curtain. What colors am I going for? Earthy browns and greens? More vibrant colors? Warm colors b/c it's cold in Frostburg?

I want to feel sexy. I have to lose weight to do that. I feel sexier when I show more skin and wear smaller clothes.

I think it's time to think about joining the real world and having real interactions with people. That means leaving behind my fantasies about Carl and others. That means really listening to what people say and caring about them. As long as it doesn't become ALL I do, which is what I'm so scared of.

I cannot eat whatever I want just b/c I exercise.
I cannot exercise to "erase" junk food I did eat.
I cannot get into better shape unless I exercise and, to a lesser extent, avoid junk food.
I need to replace junky snacks with fruits and veggies.

I don't drink bottled water! I'm vegetarian, which helps the environment. I recycle paper, plastic, glass, and aluminum. I use my own bags at the grocery store. I walk instead of drive whenever possible. When I do drive I do it wisely for the best gas mileage. I use sunlight during the day instead of electric lights. I unplug things so they don't use phantom energy. I open windows or put on more clothes to save on cooling/heating. I try not to buy a lot of extras. I'm majoring in Wildlife so I guess that counts for something.

I would like to start composting. I'd also like to charge my computer with solar power. When I get my own place one day I'd like to have it be as green as possible. Where I'm really lacking is moblizing and/or educating other people because I still feel like I need to be learned. My roomate just told me she doesn't know what Global Warming is! I didn't think anyone was left not knowing...even if you don't believe it.

If I get one of those stimulus checks it's going towards my summer classes I'm taking.

This topic is being closely monitored by HP!!! J/k but how do you know it's not???

The basics: Know how the camera you're using works. Always bring spare batteries or recharge.

I'm at work right now.  It's very quiet.  I like it when it's like this in the afternoons.  Especially today b/c it's Friday.  It's also nice to have a keyboard and mouse to use instead of my laptop.  I'm supposed to leave here and take Suzanne to Target.  She always wants me to take her to Target.  I don't know why she always needs to buy shit.  I have to come with her b/c I have the Target card.  The guys I know that work at Target must think we are shopaholics of something.  I especially hate following her around while she picks out clothes and stuff.  I guess I could go off and look at something myself instead of looming over her.  I always selectively forget this so that I can complain about her shopping habits.  I try to get her to rein in her spending b/c it's not her money that she's spending.  Mom wants us to put anything on the card they would ordinarily buy for us, like dinner or school supplies.  Clothes would be on that list, but I think it should only be essentials, not an entire wardrobe.  I sorta think it's unfair that they let her do this.  When I was her age I wore the same clothes all the time.  I kinda just gave up after awhile.  That's my problem and part of the reason I'm actually semi okay going w/ her tonight.  I'm considering using makeup, which will send her into convulsions or something.  I'm just tired of this stupid acne scarring that doesn't go away.  I shouldn't have to live w/ it.  That part of my life is over.  Sorry birthmom, I'll have to find something else we have in common (sarcasm).  I would like to wear jeans that fit me better.  These are pretty damn big b/c they're men's.  They have really wide legs and bunch up at the bottom when I wear regular shoes.  I could look at women's/misses or junior's extended sizes.  I just have a hard time fitting my hip/butt/waist area.  It would be nice to have a pair of jeans that fit me now instead of waiting until I lose weight.  I always do that to myself.  I make myself wait.  Waiting can be good sometimes.  It can make you realize you don't really need/want such and such or that you should save your money and buy it later.  I need to consider my clothes an investment.  I need to be invested in myself. 

(from two or more days ago)
Umm...some thoughts about recently...

My room is coming together. Tara (in my Journalism class) gets twenty bucks an hour to tutor people (AND she doesn't seem all that smart). I wish she and the girl and in front of me would shut up. Larry is back on Numb3rs, but Megan won't be until the last ep. One minute I say I want a therapy appt ASAP, the next I'm like "All better!" I think TV relationships take the place of real ones. Scully and Mulder, the CSI crew, the Numb3rs crew, the family on Arrested Development, etc. No strings attached. No expectations. No actions, just stimulation. But unfulfilling in the long run. My desk looks good. You can't even tell one of the legs is missing the black disc at the bottom. I want my bed to go ahead and get here already.

Maybe at the old house we were more in touch w/ the environment. We had such a great yard and all those plants, bushes, etc. I miss it. I know that I can go to a park or something, but it's nice when you know it's yours.

I don't like starting new things.

I know, I know. I really need to hash out a plan for after CSM. There are so many feelings involved. Like I said, I feel pressured to be better than my parents and birth parents. To succeed where they couldn't. And not to mess up. I have confused myself about all of this adoption info. These books make it sound like the only way to not have problems (w/ relationships, etc.) is to reunite w/ bfam. That's why I have the other books and possibly therapy. Logistically

I always have to try and top myself. If I do something I can't just stop, I have to keep going, better and better still.

I went to Target, Kmart, and and Walmart today. Mom wanted me to get a comforter so that I could base my room around the colors in it. Target had some that interested me. A black and white modern floral. Several blue and brown striped ones. A royal blue one. I was in one of the aisles, looked over, saw Carl + Margie, and freaked out. I stayed freaked out and walked all the way over to the seasonal section to go hide. I was already weird. I did fine on the way over by myself, but then I wasn't so good once I got in. I guess it was just that I was so pissed at myself for having everyone paint yesterday and then have to paint again.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet Dad at Target to get some furniture. What furniture, I'm not sure yet.

I'm recording the Taboo series.

I'm really tired and want to go to bed. I can't do this b/c b/f 10am tomorrow I have to know what I'm doing about my room. Mom has been bugging me forever about doing something w/ my room. Now that I finally do it I hate what I did. All we've done so far is paint the walls yellow. Banana Peel yellow. I don't know what I was thinking. So, here I sit in the living room at 12:32am trying to figure out what my color scheme is going to be. I figured I should examine some things that I like.

My concern is that my existing posessions won't go in the room. Another concern is what is up w/ the floor? Should I get a rug?

I don't think anyone understands why

Tabs I have open:
-College of the Atlantic site - b/c I remembered liking the color scheme
-a website about designing for small spaces
-an Ikea site
-Top Design college apt challenge
-PF library pics


Room:
colors--silver, tan/browns, blues, yellow (argh),



artisan
handmade
nature


Use multifunctional furniture.
Think vertically.
Paint in neutral colors to maximize the sense of space and accent with color.

Okay. I haven't been on here for a while. I was using my hand-written version. Sometimes I feel better using this b/c then I don't have to worry about my handwriting or what writing utensil I use. That makes it better.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to follow up on my condition. I feel like I have chest congestion coming on, but I think that is due to allergies. What I really think is going on is that I have something wrong w/ me hormonally. This may mean that I have a thyroid problem. It could mean something more severe is wrong, like a tumor on my pituitary or adrenals. I really have to look at all of the material that I have found on things b/c it's a lot and I get confused.

The other thing about that^ is that it may "solve" my problems. Mom is really evil and tells me that "They'll probably put you on The Pill and that has all it's own problems." She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's not a doctor. I have to remember that. Anyway, what if they find out what it is and are able to treat it. Then in the course of that treatment I start to look more womanly. I get extra hair on my scalp, get rid of the extra hair everywhere else, lose weight, am less moody and more pleasant, get rid of most of my acne, have more regular periods, all of that. It's kind of scary that these things that have been happening to me for so long could be cured with just a pill. That's what I hope. There could be a chance that I have a tumor somewhere. If I have a tumor in my brain they'd have to remove it. They also say that you can undergo radiation, but I think surgery's usually the way to go. Part of me hopes that I have to have brain surgery so that people know that I'm not just obsessing over something little. The other part of me just wants this all to be over with so I can move on with my life.

I'm thinking of my birth family as "my side of the family". Dad has his side, which we never see. Mom has her side, which includes all the Dixons. I have my side, which is unknown to us right now. This really makes me feel better, no matter how trivial it might seem. It makes me feel better.
I was just thinking of all of this. Aunt Anna was showing Kaitlyn pictures of people in their family saying "This is your great great grandfather." She's not even related to us at all. She was the stepdaughter to Anna's son who is now seperated from her mom. So, Anna is her exstepgrandmother. Yeah.

My wedding: mom's side of family, my bfamily (hopefully, at least bmom, maybe siblings or grandparents), my friends (heh), hubbie's side of family

I don't think I'm a lesbian. I do think that some women are attractive and even hot. The lady from CSI. Mandy from CSI. Gillian Anderson (maybe b/c she looks like me, but hotter). But I also think guys are hot. David Duchovny, David Krumholtz, guy from XFiles ep, Jake G, etc. I'm like The Todd.

3. Consider structuring your day so that you get a sense of chunks of the day instead of what may be an overwhelming sense of 24 hours.

4. Making decisions may be difficult, but may also give you a sense of control.

5. Talk is one of the best healing forces. Talk to people you know care about you. People do care.

6. You may be tempted to numb the pain by misusing drugs or alcohol. Realize this will just further complicate your life. It can also prolong your pain by stopping the needed flow of feelings.

8. It's all right to spend time by yourself, but keep in mind the usefulness of balancing this with sharing your feelings.

9. Do things that make you feel good. You deserve it. It is not disrespectful to enjoy yourself.

11. Use any tools you know help you. These may include prayer, meditation, writing in a journal, asking for extra hugs or getting a massage, or walking. All of these have been shown to have measurable positive results.

12. Give yourself permission to consult a professional counselor. Realize that knowing when in life it is appropriate to seek professional assistance is certainly not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of maturity and wisdom.
=============================================================================================

They may withdraw into themselves or feel they need to stray far from home to find their true identity.

"I can't move ahead with my future when I don't know anything about my past. It's like starting to read a book in the middle."

Perhaps if she were at school, her parents would forget about her. Maybe there would be no home to go back to. After all, it had happened before.

It seems really difficult for them to imagine themselves as independent people. They seem almost afraid to leave the security of the family.

are reminded frequently that they are different from their non-adopted friends.

have two sets of parents

"Secrets take a lot of energy. When there is freedom to discuss adoption issues, there is much less of a burden on the family."

Mental health experts are confident that adopted teens can confront and resolve their developmental issues just as their non-adopted peers do.

Some adoptees become restless because they are reluctant to express any interest for fear of upsetting their adoptive parents.

Every adoptee has two mothers and two fathers.

A journey through these complex issues sometimes feels lonely because the outside world lacks the knowledge and experience to understand.

They commonly believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with them or their deeds that caused the losses to occur.

This delayed grief may lead to depression or acting out through substance abuse or aggressive behaviors.

This lack of identity may lead adoptees, particularly in adolescent years, to seek out ways to belong in more extreme fashion than many of their non-adopted peers.

Adolescent adoptees, attempting to master the loss of control they have experienced in adoption, frequently engage in power struggles with adoptive parents and other authority figures. They may lack internalized self-control, leading to a lowered sense of self-responsibility.

How has adoption impacted your sense of who you are?
What guilt or shame do you feel about adoption?
List the losses, large and small, that you have experienced in adoption.
Identify the feelings associated with these losses.

Probably because adoption was like the weather. Always there but not much I could do about it.

It is always easier to launch a daring adventure from a secure base.

He/she may start to seem less concerned or attentive to school work or may lose confidence or self-esteem if he/she feels that one or both birth parents "rejected" or "abandoned" him/her.





SO WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN?

I'm only on here b/c I'm waiting for my whitestrips time to be up.

Today was Monday. It snowed/sleeted on Sunday. I went to work early today b/c Carl asked me to. I came in expecting Carl to be downstairs like on Friday, but the samples were sitting out thawing. So I went upstairs and capped tubes and started washing tubes. Carl came over to see me after he came out of his office (where the door was shut, which it pretty much never is). He asked me about the CD I borrowed from him, kidding around b/c he saw that I left it there when he was "closing up shop". Well, I did more stuff and Carl came and said he got my email about classes and asked about what I want to do. He asked if, since I said I was getting my clarinet out, I wanted to be a music teacher. That almost made me cringe. He saw how I reacted and said it was okay we didn't have to talk about that if I didn't want to. I really wanted to, I don't know why I was like that. I still have this notion that somehow everyone should know everything about me, or almost. Then later he asked me if I left water running upstairs and I had no idea what he was talking about and I think I snapped when I answered him. I wish I weren't like this. I also thought earlier today that maybe I have nothing to talk about b/c I have nothing to complain about and I'm not supposed to complain (that was the thing awhile ago I started not complaining, at least to other people). Now I don't even know how to carry on civilities!

I don't deserve it.
I can't act/be that way w/ people and I don't know how to accept it when they are that way w/ me. I've constructed this socially bleak universe for myself.
Hang on to anything that could make me different = special = good/wanted? So, I feel unwanted?

I feel like I've had way too many deja vu moments today. Sitting across from Carl detaping in this outfit and him saying it would be like a quilting bee. Then me saying something about my sister looking up to me and taking classes she couldn't handle. Then me blurting my class schedule. Then Carl asking if I'd be interested in social work. Maybe even this cube shelf thing in my room. Munich. Ogrady episode. It's too coincidental (to use Carl's freudian slip).

Bodily limitations to change.

I have what is known as "restricted affect".

When I went to leave today Carl told me to make sure I eat tonight and to be careful and all. Then he asked if he was being too parently. Fuck. Fuck is the best word for right now.

I'm signing up for classes AGAIN. Well, technically not yet. In class today the teacher for my Educational Psychology course gave me an idea of what that's going to be like. It's for people who want to be teachers. Somehow I don't feel like I'm fit to make any decisions regarding careers right now. Maybe my problem is thinking that I have to seperate emotions from the workplace completely.

Should I get a therapist? I'd like to believe that 1)I can handle my own problems on my own, 2)They wouldn't be able to help w/ what I need help w/. Maybe I just want to deny that I have a problem. Almost every day I feel like crying. I feel muddled. To me this means that I have so many feelings swirling around in me that they are difficult to seperate. It's like when you wash paint down the sink and it swirls into a greybrown color.

People say that you tend to either get a career doing something like what your parents do or something that affected you growing up. My dad was a computer art touch-up person and now is a real estate agent. My mom did daycare, cakes, giftbaskets, balloons, worked at a florist, and tought art and religion at my school. Adoption would be that issue that affected me.

You know people say go to college so you can get a decent job. They make it sound like you have to go to a "good" college, too. But most of the people it seems are majoring in crap like accounting, business, nursing, teaching, criminal justice, physical therapy assisting, social work, medical assisting, etc.

cerebral>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>gregarious


M - AB PSY
T - CHEM
W - HD /
Th - CHEM LAB
F - OFF


WEB - POP CULTURE


Maybe my expectations are too high. Dammit. My mom (gasp) says I need to set little goals for myself. SEQUENCE:
>>>>>what to do>>>>>>>>>where to go>>>>>>>>>>>>>>classes to take to get there>>>>>>>>>


what am i good at / what do i like

parents say: computers, writing, photography, music, CSI


After all, I am the only one who can get inside of my head.

I'm only on here b/c I'm waiting for my whitestrips time to be up.

Today was Monday. It snowed/sleeted on Sunday. I went to work early today b/c Carl asked me to. I came in expecting Carl to be downstairs like on Friday, but the samples were sitting out thawing. So I went upstairs and capped tubes and started washing tubes. Carl came over to see me after he came out of his office (where the door was shut, which it pretty much never is). He asked me about the CD I borrowed from him, kidding around b/c he saw that I left it there when he was "closing up shop". Well, I did more stuff and Carl came and said he got my email about classes and asked about what I want to do. He asked if, since I said I was getting my clarinet out, I wanted to be a music teacher. That almost made me cringe. He saw how I reacted and said it was okay we didn't have to talk about that if I didn't want to. I really wanted to, I don't know why I was like that. I still have this notion that somehow everyone should know everything about me, or almost. Then later he asked me if I left water running upstairs and I had no idea what he was talking about and I think I snapped when I answered him. I wish I weren't like this. I also thought earlier today that maybe I have nothing to talk about b/c I have nothing to complain about and I'm not supposed to complain (that was the thing awhile ago I started not complaining, at least to other people). Now I don't even know how to carry on civilities!

I don't deserve it.
I can't act/be that way w/ people and I don't know how to accept it when they are that way w/ me. I've constructed this socially bleak universe for myself.
Hang on to anything that could make me different = special = good/wanted? So, I feel unwanted?

I feel like I've had way too many deja vu moments today. Sitting across from Carl detaping in this outfit and him saying it would be like a quilting bee. Then me saying something about my sister looking up to me and taking classes she couldn't handle. Then me blurting my class schedule. Then Carl asking if I'd be interested in social work. Maybe even this cube shelf thing in my room. Munich. Ogrady episode. It's too coincidental (to use Carl's freudian slip).

Bodily limitations to change.

I'm glad everyone's leaving and I'll have time to myself.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^LATER
Well, mom stayed home, so I'm not alone. She insisted on knowing why I was in my room all day and I said that I was deciding on what classes to take once and for all. I sounded borderline retarded. Dad wants to know as soon as I decide, he's still at church, though. I suppose it's suspicious that I'm taking this long to decide.

Anyway, my hangups are as follows: I was all into taking Genetics. It's a subject that is interesting to me. But it's in Laplata at 5:30. Okay, Mapquest says that it would take 1hr 6min to get there, but that's not including rush hour traffic. Plus, it's two nights a week. Plus, it may not even be accepted wherever I go b/c they are so damn picky about science courses being rigorous enough and shit. If I don't take genetics it's not the end of the/my world. And it frees up my schedule. My other issues stem from the fact that I have no idea about the future. I don't want to major in something and then only be faced w/ shitty job prospects. And I don't want to have to major in something just to be able to get a job. I want to be able to do what I want and still get a job that I like. I've said many times I don't care about pay as long as it's enough to get by w/ maybe some extra. But I want to make a difference and I also want to enjoy my job to at least some extent. I guess my biggest fear is majoring in say Biology and having to work for "the man" in some pharmaceutical company or some other large corperation where the scientific spirit is stifled by competition. I need some guidance. I know that the most jobs are in areas that aren't too glamorous. Environmental technology and analysis, pharmaceuticals, medical crap, and statistical and managerial shit (that's really what it said too). Maybe some of it is also that I feel like I'm not smart enough to get through all of the science stuff. I know I'm smart enough, I just don't feel it. I don't want to waste my intelligence. So, I'm reluctant to go ahead and sign up for all psych classes. Maybe things will become easier later.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ EVEN LATER

I signed up for classes and emailed Carl. I also watched Capote w/ dad which was too awkward for me. B/c you know I never know how I'm supposed to act. I also found Carl's daughter Leah online on her graduate school's alumni page. Well, I was on the Juniata student research page and saw someone named Leigh Zimmerman, but I think it was someone on the faculty. Anyway, that got me thinking and I found her pic and all on the UNCW pg. There was no way I would have any doubt that was her b/c she is so obviously her father's daughter (appearance). She even got an MS in the same thing as him. You know how that stuff amazes me. I wish I could find some people I look like aka my relatives. When I was Mapquesting CSM I zoomed out and saw that one of the sampling sites is over on the E shore. I imagined my mom (or possibly someone who knows her) seeing my signature or in some way connecting the facts that hey this is my daughter. Something like that would be way cooler than the stupid birthmother search. Why do I have to do all the work? It would be way easier if she found me. Plus it's more likely that she'd have my name or at least my parents names or my DOB. Plus, if she knew how young people like myspace/facebook or even just googled me she might find me that way. But then she might not want to intrude. Argh. I mean, she could see my PHS scholarship page even. Double argh.

My schedule:
M - 4:30-9:30 EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGY (STARTS IN MARCH)
T - NO CLASS
W - 9-11:45AM HUMAN DEVELOPMENT THROUGH THE LIFESPAN, 7:15-10 PERSONALITY AND ADJUSTMENT
T - 7:15-10 INTRO TO SOCIOLOGY
F - NO CLASS

CLASSES BEGIN WEDNESDAY

You know, I wish my parents would actually care about what I do. That might help a little. All they care about is where I'm going to be. I don't even want to hear it. Bitching about my class times and shit. It's like the people at work care more than they do. And I still don't know what I'm doing.

people who exercise regularly tend to eat less junk foods and choose healthier options
boost health and happiness, reduce weight and maintain peak intellectual performance.



Chances are, the more processed or refined the food is, the less healthy and nutritious it is likely to be. If our foods are nutrient-deficient we may overeat until we get them which is one reason why nutrient enrichment is important for achieving a healthy weight.


divide into steps w/ small goals/rewards rather than larger ones
Cove Point Walking Club


15 min walk = 1 mi = 100 calories burned

1/2 = veg/fruit, 1/4 = protein, 1/4 = good carb


REASONS TO LOSE WEIGHT:
-clothing shopping
-if i ever find birth mother, won't be embarassed
-living in dorms
-Americorp
-my job can be pretty physical sometimes, I want to be able to handle it
-not be out of breath from 1 flight of stairs
-walking college campus shouldn't be so difficult
-be proud of myself

I opened two presents today. All four seasons of Scrubs and my Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. I worry about my parents spending so much money on us, though. I think it would be much better spent in something like, I don't know, a college fund?

Anyway, I got home from the stupid shopping trip today and just really wanted Carl to be there. I really could have sworn this guy pushing a woman in a wheel chair at Panera was Carl from the outside. I don't know. I feel like Carl's been kind-of off a little bit. I always want to think things have something to do w/ me when they don't. I don't know if he is even really off or if it is me. If he is "off" then I don't know why. Hopefully he'll come back refreshed to work. Although the holidays aren't exactly refreshing. I dunno. I told him to have a safe trip. I thought maybe that would show that I was listening/remembered what he said before. I think about how much the dynamic b/t us has changed. I guess mostly b/c I'm changing/growing. I'm sure he is too, just this is my time to grow up. I wonder if he likes watching me grow up. Especially since I'm behind my peers (at least I feel like that some of the time). Wouldn't it be awesome if I lose weight and could dress more like how I want to dress. And I mature behaviourally (a lot is needed there). I don't know. And handle adoption issues. What if I've contacted my birthmother?

I should remember that my mother wrote these letters when she was 20, which is only 7 months older than I am now. So, I shouldn't expect anything profound or anything. Although, I'll probably just think that they are great b/c she wrote them. If I could get a first (and last) name for my birthmother I would be golden.

I need to sleep

I think I'm going to take the big step and ask my mom about finding those letters my birthmother wrote, like, 19 years ago. I don't know if they corresponded for some time and then stopped or if they were letters written to me or what. The worst that could happen would be that everything would be awkward or, quite possibly, that my mom would think that I was going to abandon her or something equally crazy. The best scenario would be for my mom to understand why I would want to see them and not come up w/ crazy ideas like me running away to find my birth mom or anything. I don't know if there is ever really a good time to ask anything related to adoption, so I may as well do it so it doesn't eat away at my brain. Hopefully I'm pleasantly surprised. Maybe the letters are somewhere where she can readily find them or tell me where they are so I can find them. Maybe we'll have to wait to move the basement around before we can get to the box or boxes where they might be. She made it sound like she doesn't know exactly where they are, but maybe a general idea of where they are. On the other end of the spectrum could be my mom having some unanticipated emotional response or just telling me she'll look for them to humor me. What happened a couple (or more) years ago was that my mom said something to the affect of when I turn 18 she could give me these letters if I wanted. She probably thought I didn't think anything of them after the 2 times (or whatever) that she mentioned them. It's important to remember that she can't read my mind and that I shouldn't be defensive of aggressive w/ her about this. My excuse (if I need one) is that my project from some months back brought the issue to mind.

I wonder if there are any pictures w/ the letters. I wonder if my birth mother's handwriting is anything like (any of) mine. Wouldn't it be so cool to go into work and be all bouncy and go up to Carl and go "Guess who this is? My birth mother!". I wonder if I'll feel any different Or maybe even my half brother. All I need it a first and last name to something as basic as look on Google. I think that my adoptive mother wants me to wait until I get out of college before I search. But then they seem to support me searching and they said they'd like to meet/know how my birth mother is. Probably these letters would be good for the meantime. And to fill in any holes. This one website I went on awhile back said that you should write down everything you want to know before you search. I don't know. I'd like a medical history, of course. I'd also like to know my ethnicity. Maybe what my birth mother's family life was like. I'd really like to see my birth father to see how much I look like him. Maybe how my birth was. Was I a C-section birth? Why my birth mother was w/ my bf?

Maybe this is one of those things where all you have to do is open the channel of communication with a question and everything else will come out. Like, I can ask about the letters and my mom will add the stuff about the searching, etc. herself. Then I won't have to wonder.

I think I'm going to ask in the morning so that my sister won't be there and they won't be in the middle of a tv show that I will have to interrupt.

I wonder if anyone will try looking for me or if they've thought of looking for me. I'm sure my life is leisurely enough that I have the resources and time to search.

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That was from yesterday^^^
I didn't have a good time to ask about the letters today, but tomorrow Dad is supposed to take sis shopping in the morning so I will be here w/ just mom. Joy. I'm already nervous. I barely slept last night. My concern is just the whole logistical arrangement of all this. I feel like this is something I need to do. I mean, this is the time in my life when I'm supposed to be dealing with identity issues and if there is some stuff floating around about me that I don't know then I should grasp it, you know? I should have an understanding of what my birth mother was/is like and what her situation was. If these letters are her words, then they are as true as you can get. I just don't want an interrogation session w/ mom. My excuse: the talk w/ the counseling peeps in my class....or maybe a dream?

Maybe I can get in touch w/ my bm. I've been looking at what I would take pictures of to show my bm about my life. I wonder if she even cares or wants to know. I wonder what the whole arrangement was. Was it an open adoption? Did one side let it go, was it mutual, etc? My problem, I guess, is that I barely communicate w/ my adoptive mother and I'm just going to spring this on her. At least I'm being honest. I don't think I could be dishonest. Dishonesty was pretending not to care. Here's to the new horizon::::